Ghost

H&M ribbed sweater / Forever 21 lace shorts / Colour Pop Cosmetics lipstick in Feminist

So I’m doing the following post in question format (that I found on Instagram) to solidify some end of the year thoughts. It can’t get more MySpacey than this.

10 Questions to Ask Yourself Before 2015

1.) Am I happy with where I am in life right now?
Of course I am, but I don’t think I’ll ever be satisfied with where I’m at

2.) What am I passionate about? What am I doing to pursue my passion?
I’m passionate about a lot of things, but what I’m most passionate about is dance and fashion blogging. 

I’ve been taking classes and plan on doing mid-year auditions to challenge myself more. In the meantime, I’m currently doing a dance project at UCLA. As for fashion, I’m throwing tons of projects on my shoulders. I’m trying to collaborate more, shoot more and work harder to maintain the momentum of my blog, including the financial responsibilities behind it. More importantly, I’m focused on networking as much as possible.

3.) Who and what things are weighing me down that I need to get rid of? How will I do it?
I am weighing myself down and in fact, some of my colleagues as well. I need to get rid of it by cutting down the effort I put in those relationships. If they’re not benefitting me, why do I need it?

4.) What do I need to forgive myself for? (Compassion is key. When you know better, you do better.)
I need to forgive myself for comparing myself to others to the point where it’s almost natural and to understand that I’m not going to be where I want to be overnight.
I’m sorry, self.

5.) When did I feel most alive this year? What was sacred about that moment?
I felt the most alive during CG auditions. It was absolutely thrilling having late night practices back to back, something I haven’t done in a long time, and living on even more shots of espresso to combat the short hours of sleep. Even though I struggled at times, I never gave up. I was sitting on a tight schedule and even managed to fit photoshoots in. I was grinding and I didn’t want to stop.

6.) What self-love actions can I practice on a daily basis?
I can wake up every morning and remind myself of how great that day is going to be and why. I can compliment people more and go out of my way to talk to them instead of mentally fashion policing others and letting negativity consume me.
7.) What do I want to let go of?
 I want to let go of fear, self-doubt and self-critical thoughts

8.) What do I want to dedicate 2015 to?
I want to dedicate 2015 to getting to a place in my life I’ve never been to before. I’ve been blogging since high school and dancing since I was 6 or 7, maybe it was 8; but I want to take things up a notch. I want to travel and push Polydeux out of its social limits. I want to be more financially independent. I want to dance on stage again, continuously anyway, and to finally create a concept video.

I’ve envisioned myself doing many things at this age and I think it’s about time I get myself to do it.

9.) What did I learn about myself in 2014?
That I do have insecurities, that I can be extremely lazy, but if I force myself to focus I can work ridiculously hard, that I am creative and therefore, I constantly need an outlet, that I am emotional no matter how much I pretend that I am not, and that I thrive off of sharing my energy with others because I’m scared of being alone. I also learned that it’s fun being alone and maybe I’m not scared anymore. I learned that I am not what I had always thought I was, and maybe, that’s a good thing.

10.) What did 2014 represent to me on my path?
Ah, this is probably the hardest of the questions. 
2014 represented honesty and relearning what the value of that was. It represented the relationships in my life and understanding what was healthy for me and what wasn’t. Somehow I knew what wasn’t healthy for me and yet I fought for it. I lost even though I knew a battle wasn’t needed. 
2014 represented faith.

I realized that answering these questions wasn’t as mindless as grocery shopping but it helped me look inward and reflect on a deeper level. It was scary, almost. Being honest with others is so much easier to do than to be honest with yourself. I don’t think I’ve had the time to sit and be gratuitous about my life in a long time. It’s as if I almost forgot how. This blog has become more than just a social networking platform, but a part of my identity and with each post, I’ve become more and more personal with it; with you.

I want to thank each and every one of you that takes the time to read the novel length captions of my pictures. Without you, Polydeux wouldn’t be a central part of my life, and you know what?
I’m so blessed that it is.



Photography by Jasmine Bush

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