Losing it: My Womanhood and Sexuality

Just words only this time around.
They say when you’re in love, it shows, and for me, after almost 3 years of dating Justin, I definitely gained more to love.

 

I had to give up dance in order to focus on Polydeux and the next steps in my adult life and with that, my metabolism took a huge hit. I wasn’t able to eat all the carbs I wanted since I wasn’t going to be burning it off during eight hour practices anymore, and that was a tough pill to swallow.

 

Growing up, I was constantly moving and could never gain any weight. I never had to deal with being health conscious or living on a strict diet. I didn’t have to deal with bodily insecurities such as those (though it’s not to say that I don’t have any insecurities; trust me, I have plenty.) so the transition post-collegiate dance scene was a tough one.

 

While dancing, I was confident and felt sexy about myself almost always. I wore crop tops every single class, practice, and audition. It was my signature.

 

Dancing is practically acting to music and we always had to adopt personalities, encompass a character, if you will, while performing to show commitment to the song and choreography. For me, I felt the most comfortable body rolling, hair flipping, and grinding against the floor. In my head, I was Beyonce; other days, CIara. Whoever I was, I was sexy and people noticed that.

 

Looking at myself now, I’m no longer struggling to hit 100lbs and am well over that by now. I suck in my stomach, cover my waistband with my arm when posing or wear shapewear to hide my bloated belly. I haven’t touched my crop tops since dance and I look at every other girl with little to no chubbiness with absolute envy. It hurts not be looked at the same.

 

I no longer encompass this resilient, sexual energy. I think that definitely shows in my photos too. I’ve lost this shine. I used to be so proud of my body that I had no problem showing skin here and there. Now, I’m terrified to have people look at me. I wear thick sweaters and pants almost often. I’m afraid of my baby-face looking knees, the love handles that pour over my pantyline, and the curve my high-waisted pants make when they struggle to cover my tummy.

 

I admit, I lost confidence due to the number of cat calling and the times Justin refused for me to leave the house looking like “that”. (In no way am I villianizing him. He’s just protective, but aren’t we all?) I’ve lost confidence after comparing pictures from now to then. I can’t help but yearn for the past me when looking at old dance videos.

 

When I dance now, I lack the same confidence and it’s all because I don’t feel sexy anymore. No woman should ever not feel sexy. I never thought I would ever feel this way about myself until now, but I am, and it’s a real thing.

 

To solve this, I’ve gone on the Whole30 diet and I’m seeing results fast. Though I’m working on my work-out regimen, a change in diet goes a long way. I’ve also was gifted my first crop top in a while and am wearing the shit out of it! I’m walking often, staying hydrated, wearing heels, putting on falsies, doing my hair – whatever it takes to make me feel better about myself, I’m doing it and no one can stop me.

 

3 Comments Add yours

  1. Samama Khan says:

    Such a nice blog!
    Regards.
    MiiKey MiiSport C Blue Wireless

    Like

  2. This is so refreshing to hear on a Monday morning after Panda Express and junk foody weekend. Get it girl !!!

    Like

    1. polydeux says:

      Aww thanks so much for reading and for the love, Jessica!

      Like

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