Honest to Goodness

Use your fear as an enabler.

I sat down with the homegirl Lynn the other day and with only 30 mins to catch up we got real deep real quick. Lynn is someone I met through dance but we ended up having a love for fashion in common. Although our styles are on opposite ends of the spectrum, our experiences are all too similar.

She told me that she's been waiting for me to be honest and that I've always been close, but never fully at the destination.

I think I hesitate because I question what there is to be honest about. So here I am attempting to figure it out with you.

I have a lot of fears when it comes to fashion blogging. I get scared of not being accepted, that my content isn't good enough. I've faced so many rejections in various forms that I continuously get pushed back into my comfort zone. I worry too much about how everything looks, but that's what this industry is: an aesthetic appeal -- the mother of all things superficial.

I get scared of not being relative anymore, that people will just forget me. I worry about not having enough time to create content.

I worry that I don't have enough of what it takes to stand out. The competition gets fiercer and the sea gets bigger and people are just social climbing their way to the top. It makes me feel as if riding off other people's success is the only way to get anywhere in this industry. It's like sleeping around without taking your clothes off.

But I don't want to do that. It's dirty. It's not rewarding. It's not genuine.

The people who have done it to me have grown so much more than I have. I've honestly stopped collaborating with most people because they always want something from me. I have trust issues because everyone only wants exposure. Everyone is only looking out for themselves and it seems as if that's the only way to survive in this industry.

I hate that but I love my job that much to tolerate it.

I know that it may take me twice as long to get to my goals compared to others who collaborate with their own self in mind but I don't care. I know I'll get there eventually.

For a while, I questioned if it was selfish of me to keep my knowledge and connections to myself; to cut off people who approach me asking for opportunities with nothing in return, to cut off people who only want more followers from me. It should be our duty to be kind to others but I feel anxious when I'm hesitant to do so in these circumstances.

Lynn told me to protect it. Protect what you know because others don't deserve it if they didn't work hard themselves.

There will never be justice in this industry. Nothing is fair as much as you want it to be and that's the hard truth I'm still struggling to accept.

Lastly, the thing I'm terrified of the most is is complacency and I feel that way almost every single day. I'm terrified of getting boring and not being able to create anything better than the content I just made the day before. I don't want to travel backwards and a lot of days I feel that way.

As terrified as I am about all these things and these doubts that I struggle with, it's what motivates me to work even harder. I wake up ready to work because I'm never satisfied with my work and I never sleep because I'm restless with ideas. This fear is my biggest enemy and my strongest motivation.

"Use your fear as an enabler" and everything else will fall into place.

Dress via Tobi / Jacket and shoes via Quiz

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Photography by Justin Quebral